How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

I learned a number of things on my month-long visit to England and one of them was that I do need to live in a country that actively discourages the consumption of alcohol. I learned that if I had no job, I would have no liver. I also, to my surprise, discovered that it is possible to have too much of a good thing i.e. real ale. To be honest, I was already very aware of the first two points.

What I hadn't really been aware of, was that my ability to offend and insult people without trying has come along leaps and bounds since I left Blighty. I know that I possess a somewhat arrogant and provocative manner but had assumed that, since this has always been the case, my friends would be rather used to it. Apparently some of them were not.

And so, reflecting on this particular ability, I wondered how it had got worse (or better, depending on how you look at it) over time and why? Maybe it was the teacher in me; perhaps my natural condescending, patronising and bullying manner had been reinforced by my new vocation; the very job description of which, includes 'condescending, patronising and bullying'. It's actually written into my contract. Was it just because I hadn't had a rant in a while; a good argument, a heated discussion, a pub preach? Probably not, I was still having plenty of those in Sumatra; what with all those bloody rag-heads around to shout about. Could it be that I had always been losing and offending friends, but over a much longer period and therefore not noticing so much? Am I just simply getting older, more cynical and generally less sensitive? Was this a downward trend? Would I start to haemorrhage friends at an increasingly alarming rate? Would I continue in this way until I was just a wrinkled, barking, prickly old bastard with no mates? Would I end my days yelling obscenities at the customers of my local bar? God, I knew cantankerous sons of bitches like that.

I was going to have to take a good long, hard look at myself. Examine my life. Make some decisions. If there was a danger of me ending my days as a sad and lonely old misanthrope I would have to do something about it. I would have to make a complete life-style change.

So I did, I asked Novi to marry me. That way I would always have someone to barrack and harangue. She said yes of course. Why wouldn't she?

A list of other things I learned whilst in England:

Pubs have learned how to manipulate the laws of physics since the Smoking Ban and found fantastic semi-enclosed garden areas, for people to smoke in. Where the hell were these places before?

Non-smokers now breathe more passive smoke because they have to sit in these new smoking areas with all of their smoking friends, unless they wish to sit inside by themselves.

Smokers find this hilarious.

It's possible to get very fat in 4 weeks if you do nothing but eat and drink.

Indonesians are not shy in telling you this.

Not many people enjoy a good heated discussion just for the sake of it.

Flippantly bouncing around controversial ideas about people's beliefs is generally frowned upon.

Due to the prevalence of internet phones it is no longer possible to talk pub-bollox without somebody checking your facts.

This is a bad thing.

Even ten years after the fact, it's still possible for ex-girlfriends to attempt to poison you.

I am always right.