My local bar, due to its central location and the fact that there are very few other bars in town, is a magnet for travellers to the area. Since I have been known to spend an hour or two there myself, I’m able to witness many of the transients who pass through, and, with such being the case, I thought I would bore you with an over-simplistic, thoroughly generalised and probably alcohol influenced observation from my journal about that strange phenomenon of nature, The Lone Traveller.
The sub-species of tourist known as The Lone Traveller can be grouped into three further sub-categories as follows:
The Loner
These are the misanthropes of the travelling world. They maintain a lofty air and heady disdain for all other travellers, tourists, locals and people in general. Quite why they have decided to visit other countries and cultures is never particularly clear but it is probably because their supercilious manner means that they are unable to make or keep friends in their own country and can feel more easily superior in a country whose customs they can compare disparagingly with their own.
The Gregarian
These are the people who travel because they want to meet other people; interesting people, funny people, serious people, fellow travellers, the locals, bus-drivers, deaf mutes, chickens, anyone; anyone who is willing to nod wearily at them. They are the customers in bars who sit impatiently bouncing their legs, fidgeting and sighing if they aren’t engaged in converse; looking around desperately for someone to talk at. They usually accost The Loner, who is to be found in a quiet corner of the bar reading a deeply profound book on the history/geography/culture of his present country but is having problems understanding it and secretly wishes to be ploughing through a Bill Bryson, but it looks impressive and he ensures that the cover of the book is conspicuous for all to see.
The Gregarian inhabits a world in which anyone who is reading a book must be bored and want, in their heart of hearts, some discourse. The Gregarian is more than happy to rescue The Loner from his bored fug and will invariably begin a conversation with the words, “oh, I love books. What are you reading?” Upon engagement, The Loner will probably smile insincerely and silently show the all too apparent and readable cover to the inquisitor, returning pointedly to those sacred pages in hope of conveying a desire to continue reading. However The Gregarian needs no further encouragement to inform his new friend of the intimate details of his life, divorces, conquests and travels (which are often far more interesting than The Loner’s own experiences). The Loner will try to concentrate upon taking in the words that he keeps repeatedly trying to read but will eventually be so incensed by a particular observation of The Gregarian that he will have to reply with his own deludedly superior views on the subject.
The Nutter
A sub-category that needs no explanation and who can usually be identified by his piercing and hostile stare and/or pronounced twitch, sartorial eccentricity, penchant for bouncing coins in an aggressive and inept manner or murmured verses from the gospel; they are often unaware of which country they are in and have no idea how they got there. The nutter is naturally allied to The Gregarian because he will generally wish to converse (the silent Nutter is an altogether different matter). However, The Loner has a bond with The Nutter too as he can record his bizarre utterances in his ‘journal’, such as “Bawooo! West Ham will win the Premiership this season. Bleep. Zaowing!” in the futile hope that it will someday be material for ‘the book’ that he is perennially writing.
Try, if you can, to slot my humble self into one of those narrow categories.
